Hello my friends, for those of you who are fans of the TV show Being Human, read no further, because I am going to bag the shit out of it. And just to be clear, I’m referring to the original UK version.

And yes there will be spoilers.

For those of you who know nothing about the show, according to BBC3 (the show producers):

Being Human

Comedy-drama series about three twenty-something housemates trying to live normal lives, despite struggling with unusual afflictions – one is a werewolf, one is a vampire and the other is a ghost.

This show was brought to my attention by my lovely assistant Rachel. Nicole and I thought it might be good for a giggle watching a werewolf, vampire and ghost try to live together. So let’s meet the three main characters:

Annie – The Ghost

Annie was murdered by her fiance and is doomed to haunt the house they bought together. She is vapid, pointless and simply plain annoying.

A ghost could cause all kinds of mischief and mayhem, but not this girl. She seems to be a strange combination of Casper and Miss Daisy.

This ghost spends her day making cups of tea, littering the house from one end to the other with teacups.

It wasn’t until the final episode of Season 2 that she actually did something useful. If she wasn’t already dead I’d love to kill her.

Mitchell – The Vampire

Supposedly suave and supremely attractive. Why cast a guy who looks like he spent six months playing Robinson Crusoe. He desperately needs a haircut, a shave and overall improvement in the personal grooming department.

Mitchell’s attempt at “Being Human” involves getting on the “wagon”. For those unfamiliar with the term, he is a vampire who chooses not to drink blood! I will rant more about this later.

Personally I think he must have a personalty disorder. There is no stability in his character’s behaviour at all. If you are a selfish bastard, then be a selfish bastard. If you a are a loyal friend, be a loyal friend. Get rid of the vampiric chameleon and he might be barely tolerable.

George – The Werewolf

Last but not least we come to George. Who, incidentally, was one of the few actors not to be recast after the pilot.

Despite being a werewolf, which I am going to overlook for the moment, George is the one redeeming feature of this otherwise travesty of a show.

George is a little strange, weird, romantic, excitable and even a bit womanish at times, but; he has a heart of gold. If you only had one friend in the world and it was George, you would be a very lucky person.

The character of George is the glue which holds this ramshackle trainwreck together. It is sad to see such a great character wallowing in the misery of crappy company.

Vampires Drink Blood

I have so many complaints about the portrayal of vampires in this show I barely know where to start. Okay, first up, vampires parade around during the day and sleep at night. WTF?! Vampires are creatures of the night and always have been. It’s not impossible for us to move around during the day, but certainly not to the extent this show would have you believe.

Vampires eating and drinking human food: You can’t be serious. How many sets of organs do you think can fit in a body? One set to handle the digestion of human food and another separate set for blood?  Vampires drink blood! They don’t sit down for a roast meal and then sip a glass of extra thick red later. They drink blood, nothing else.

Vampires on the wagon: No vampire would ever choose to stop drinking blood. It is the equivalent of a human being deciding to stop breathing. But according to the makers of Being Human it is perfectly reasonable for a vampire to quit drinking blood and settle for plain ordinary human food. Nonsense, utterly ridiculous. Maybe I missed the memo announcing that drinking blood was optional for vampires.

Vampire resurrection: There’s a rather smarmy vampire leader called Herrick, who I was ever so grateful to see killed. Oh but wait, he’s not really dead because with enough vampire blood he can be resurrected. Firstly I’d like to point out the lack of continuity in logic.

In Season One you witness a vampire being staked and she turns to dust. Meanwhile at the end of Season Two, Herrick can be resurrected by pouring vampire blood on his bones. So what happens when a vampire dies? Do they turn to dust or not? Make up your mind.

Anyway, I’m not saying vampire blood isn’t powerful, I’ve seen it work miracles – on living tissue. There is no amount of vampire blood that can reanimate dead tissue. And even if it could, wouldn’t that make a zombie?

Isis only knows what makes this show popular. I’ve endured two seasons and I will endure no more. Hopefully the folks in Canada can pump out enough episodes of Lost Girl to keep me happy.